Cheam

Tree-lined bolthole for the forgotten middle-class

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Author's note: Cheam was moved into Zone 5 in December 2004, after I visited it; hence it no longer qualifies for the Guide to Zone 6. The copy below is kept for reference, for fun, for Google and for many other reasons including the fact that I went all the bloody way there for what was now no reason whatsoever.

Cheam is the other place in Zone 6 made famous by a British comedy; this one's Hancock's Half Hour. It's a pleasant enough place, with no obvious reason to leave quickly but no real reason to stay long. If you want to live here and you have an immature sense of humour, Nork Residential has property for sale on Peaches Close. Also bear in mind that the newsagents only seem to stock the Daily Telegraph; could it be because nobody here's buying it, or that's the only paper they sell?

The railway tracks at Cheam are about a quarter of a mile wide, hence two exits linked by a dusty underground tunnel. Huge billboard adverts on the disused middle platform advertise all the wonders that colourfully ripped paper bring. The back entrance leads to a barnyard-cum-carpark and the main exit opens up into a plaza Barratt Homes would never build because it's too bland.

Walk up a slight hill, and you'll get to the centre of Cheam: a large crossroads called Cheam Village, featuring a large village notice board which reads "Working together to plan the future of Sutton" that's only a couple of months old and has already faded in the sun. Cheam village crossroads has an interesting mixture of architecture:

Cheam village also has an interesting array of shops. For instance, Felicity Hat Hire appears to have several dead fluffy pink animals to rent for your head, as well as a couple of headgear items that are more S&M than M&S:

The place definitely has a 'olde' village mentality. In amongst the copious oak trees that might even date back earlier than 1984, you can find 'Heritage in Sutton' plaques. Such as one called 'The Old Cottage' just next to the thundering railway bridge. It's now a Bridal Wear Shop, which appears to be using cast-offs as curtains. Another village feature is the shop that sells endless worthless pointless nicknacks. For instance, is this supposed to be an Egyptian cat or a comedy giraffe?

Despite the fact that milkshake sells for 94p in the local Budgens, people in Cheam are obviously very well-fed, judging at the menus in several of the restaurants around the village. For instance, the 'American Diner', which looks just like a 1960s bus station, advertises the "You Must Be Joking! Burger". This is a "large burger with a small burger on top! As eaten by Tim Vine."

Further up, you can find the Supafish shop, which looks just like a 1960s homeless shelter. Their menu features several different kinds of cod for sale: small, large, huss (?), and "The Moby Dick", which amounts to 'half a pound of cod'.

Residents of Zone 6, #11 – Cheam

"Moby & Chips, please!"

Which leaves the only question: where do residents of Cheam go to work off all of this food? Nonsuch Park, which is quite well named as it's extremely well-hidden and isn't even signposted. It's well-landscaped, although there aren't nearly enough benches for joggers to wipe their frothy brows on.

Perhaps the lack of commemorative park benches is due to not enough memorable people dying in the area. That's not to say that Cheam's town planners are pessimistic; they've sited the day care centre behind the cemetery. And looking at the residents' diets, we can expect to see some more seating areas in the next few years.

Statistics

Time to Zone 1 33mins on Southern (Victoria)
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2253 Sun 2324

What to do if you get stuck in Cheam after the last train to Zone 1

Because the trains to Zone 1 end so early, you're probably going to be ok. A bus to Sutton can be found at the Cheam village junction, near m the station. If you've been dumb enough to get stranded in Cheam in the middle of the night, you'll still be fine. Get nightbus N213 to Sutton town centre. The N44 leaves from Sutton and goes via Bristol, Oslo, St. Petersburg and Wandsworth to take you back to the city.