Guide to Zone 6 By Quin Parker
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Hatch End

Islington, but with trees

Map

One unexpected fact about Hatch End is that it seems to be one of the most Euro-loving places in the whole of the UK – at least two European flags were spotted flying from houses and lampposts here. Perhaps this is where all our MEPs are hiding?

Hatch End is in Harrow. Most people, when you mention Harrow, think of a place like this; green, expensive and full of expensive furniture shops. Yet if these people do ever visit Harrow-on-the-Hill, they become scarred for life and have to be sent to Broadmoor for their own protection. It's best you bring them here.

A selection of newsagent's window adverts

(Number censored for reasons of common public decency)

(Hmm. I hope the seller isn't taking credit)

When you climb out of the station, you are confronted with a busy road. Go left, and you will find a leafy estate next to a big roundabout, called "Hatch End Park". There's even a pub sign, with what looks like a birdtable on, though, alas, no pub. And is the roadname sign, "MILNE FEILD", deliberately misspelt?

Also left, on the roundabout, is the sign:

Superstore →
Arts Centre →

Arts Centre

Harrow Arts Centre, which looks like a deconsecrated church, is the kind of place all the J-list acts play on their 63-date tours (you know, the ones that also include Croydon, Eastbourne and several places in Wales). Showing recently were the following luminaries:

• Jack Dee
• Eric Knowles (From The Antiques Roadshow!!)
• The Big Howard Little Howard Show (not for kids)
• "At The Drop Of A Hippopotamus"

The arts centre is very impressive and well-run, and its car park is obviously dearly loved by the local community. Another feature of the centre is the artistic sundial, made of bricks, scaffolding and concrete.

Sundial at 3pm, birds' eye view. X marks the spot where a teenager in a tracksuit is motionless, except for his thumbs, which are texting somebody.

Sundial at 5pm, birds' eye view. X marks the spot where a teenager in a tracksuit remains motionless, except for his thumbs, which continue to text somebody and are probably still there floating in space, texting for eternity.

Superstore

Residents of Zone 6, #5 – Hatch End

He's ever so gleeful and energetic with his little trail of paper chains, running round and round and round the entrance of Safeway's, bashing into shopping trollies while his mum tries to catch him. Bless.

There's no such thing as a normal Safeway's/Morrison's (whatever they call themselves nowadays); each one of them is odd in its own particular way. But it's funny how this supermarket has one whole rack of personalised toothbrushes and only sells tuna melt sandwiches.

Far more interesting than this, though, is the eclectic range of shops on the high street, right out of the station and ten minutes' walk. Over half of them have large Time Out testimonials, saying things like "Best chiffon in London" or "Biggest veal sausages in Christendom" and things like that. The area obviously attracts clientele from the city; how else would they get away with charging £3 for potato wedges?

For instance, there's a Men & Boys Exclusive Formal Wear shop, although judging by its window, it mainly appears to hire string. And the "Delisserie" boasts of "The best salt beef sandwich outside NY!". In fact, an alarming number of shops seem to sell salt beef sandwiches. Maybe salt beef sandwiches are the local delicacy.

Alas, Hatch End does make a concession to the rest of Harrow by having its own nasty chain pub, the Moon and Sixpence. Two kids were spotted going in, wearing full school uniform. One was obviously Jack Osborne, the other appeared to have confused the bottle marked "hair dye" with E124. They might have been going to a school uniform disco, but it's quite likely that they were, in fact, schoolkids.

Hatch End station itself is better kept than the trains that stop there by a factor of about several bazillion. Flowers deck the station clock, and a pewter "Millenium Hatch End" memorial adorns the wall of the listed station building. Only the waiting room is dodgy, as it seems to have been locked in the 1970s and never opened again; this would explain the decor. Plus, far more people on the platform were travelling to Watford than London, but people do strange things sometimes.

Statistics

Time to Zone 1 37min on Silverlink (Euston)
Last trains to Zone 1 Pretty early. Mon-Sat 2317, Sun 2333

What to do if you are stuck in Hatch End after the last train to Zone 1

This is one of those 'sucking air through teeth and shaking head' moments. As you'll discover, the minicabs booth has been boarded up and had a picture of an arse graffitoed on it. So your best option would be to head off down to Harrow Weald, about 30min walk, and grab an N18 back to the city. Or buy a salt beef sandwich, wrap yourself in a European flag, and climb up a tree for sleep. Your call.