Guide to Zone 6 By Quin Parker
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Hillingdon

Shiny beacon to a motorway lifestyle

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"It's a commuter station," says Margaret, a helpful London Transport Customer Services assistant who has come over to see who the hell is standing around her station peering into corners. "The car park here is bigger than Uxbridge, so people come off the A40 and park here to take the tube into central London." At the time I visited, the car park was half-full, and amongst other things contained a grime-encrusted van upon which some wag had written, "BAM BAM KISS".

Residents of Zone 6, #2 – Hillingdon

This young gentleman was gently taking repose on a bench on the platform, before he was politely woken by a staff member, who was kind enough to hand him his plastic baggy of lager cans before tumbling him onto a train bound for Arnos Grove.

Hillingdon's tube sign has the subscript "(SWAKELEY'S)". Swakeley's is the name of a roundabout further up the A40, which links this major trunk road with somewhere northeast of Uxbridge that didn't have a name until a roundabout was built on top of it. Things which are available in this nameless, strange place include "Dave the Butcher" and "Bill the Baker", who live next door to one another, and a shop that sells creative writing classes.

But the most astonishing thing about Hillingdon is the station itself, which was refurbished in 19xx. It seems to dangle below the roundabout, on a bridge, and is in truth a tube station for the future. For the tens of thousands of people who pass below it on the A40 every day and wonder what on earth this magical tubestation spaceship offers, an exclusive reprint of the first draft of London Underground's plans for the station follows. Only some of these ideas made it into reality.

Fig 1

Magic conveyor belt senses your walking pace and propels you forwards at exactly the speed you are walking

Fig 2

Sliding door sprays deodorising mist upon commuters passing into station for comfort of others on crowded services

Fig 3

Station roof contains several solar panels which power the "Mind The Gap" announcements

Fig 4

Archway automatically sends address and phone numbers of any passenger yet to acquire an Oyster card to LT's evil army of stoats "as a contingency measure"

Fig 5

Virtual reality viewing platform emits holograms of frequent Metropolitan line trains full of happy, cheering commuters

Fig 6

In case of fire, these stairs inflate much like an emergency slide on an aircraft, with one crucial difference; a spike at the end of the staircase burrows 60m into the ground into the nearest water main. The resultant gush is designed to simultaneously put out the fire and electrocute all the rats on the underground system

Fig 7

Fast and reliable railway system designed to transport large numbers of people efficiently, comfortably and with little cost. (NB: This part of the project is currently too far ahead of technology)

Fig 8

A mural of a car crash is painted inside the tunnel of the A40 and along the walls of the underpass. This causes drivers to avert their eyes from the gleaming lines of Hillingdon station, which is not worthy of their gaze.

Statistics

Time to Zone 1 41min on Piccadilly (Earl's Court), 37min on Metropolitan (Baker Street)
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 0003, Sun 2317

What to do if you are stuck in Hillingdon after the last train to Zone 1

Congratulate yourself on your good fortune, walk out of the station and take a fast coach into central London from the stop outside. There are several to choose from, and they come quite regularly throughout the night, but take care or you will end up in Oxford rather than Oxford Circus. The Oxford Tube, for instance, costs £2.50 from Hillingdon to London, and Travelcards are not taken. You might also like to consider leaping from the bridge onto the top of a lorry and hanging on as far as the Marylebone flyover.