Orpington

Weather-beaten megamart for potato-based foodstuff

Map | Website

Orpington station is large, red and yellow with a bright white tunnel connecting the platforms. It's a bit like a hospital owned by Burger King. The announcement tones, which ring every five seconds with new trains or dire warnings about what will happen to your bags, sound like the tones from Close Encounters of The Third Kind. And like many places in Zone 6, Orpington tries to justify its existence by having a 'Change here for xxx' sign under its station name.

Today, that 'xxx' is Biggin Hill airport, an ex-RAF aerodrome now serving as a take-off pad for rich businessmen with Lear jets coming out of their trousers. The taxi firm down the slope from the back entrance of the station, however, hasn't been informed of this.

That's ok, we'll walk, then.

Orpington is the local retail destination for most of Kent and Bromley, and the Mormons haven't missed out on getting a big temple near the route from the station to the shops. (There seem to be quite a few in Zone 6.) The shops, however, have started fighting back, and close to the Mormons are a pub and a tobacco shop. It's only a matter of time that Caffe Nero appears here, and revenge will be complete.

A main roundabout, with generic war memorial, leads into the main row of shops. Some quite interesting combinations can be found at this point; one pair of semis seems to house both the Samaritans and the local Liberal Democrats HQ. Meanwhile, the laundarette on the corner has adverts for the Biggin Hill air show (how can anybody get there without a limousine?) and "Wrestling! Suitable for all the family!" with lots of oiled bodybuilders hugging one another.

Wonky carpark apparently designed as homage to Windows XP

Orpington hasn't been taken over by clone shops yet, although it is teetering dangerously on the edge. While most of the high street is untouched, all the chains are in the Walnut centre, a grimy, mainly open-air mall built out of cuboid concrete, which was obviously named by somebody who thought walnuts were grey.

Several of the shops ban hoodies and caps, which doesn't seem fair on the pilots coming over from Biggin Hill to do some shopping before flying 12 drunken suits to Amsterdam. Foreign climes continue to be a theme; there are a number of travel agents here. One in particular is advertising "First Noel Holidays", which take place in Bournemouth, Cumbria and similar places. These are four days long, and those four days are Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and 'Fond Farewells'. When do they take place? October and November.

Wander into the Walnut centre, and the central feature is a glass pavilion that shelters ten square feet of nothing at all:

This is where the citizens of Kent come to refuel, among the over-30s speed dating adverts and the discount £1 stores. They listen to tinkling musak that would embarass Joe Longthorne as they rummage through bins under a sign "HUGE SAVINGS ON CRISPS!" Childrens food on offer includes 'turkey dinosaurs', which must be like Turkey Twizzlers made with fossilized poultry.

First four items on restaurant menu in Walnut centre, Orpington

• PIE & MASH
• PIE & 2 MASH
• 2 PIE & MASH
• 2 PIE & 2 MASH

Residents of Zone 6, #29 – Orpington

Her parents decided not to pay the one pound to switch the choo-choo train ride on. Nevertheless, she's having a whale of a time, pushing all the buttons and watching all the flashing lights.

There are quite a few leaflets around the town for a local pub, advertising its Ladies' Night. These leaflets feature a woman in red lingerie and an inflatable sheep. Are you sure that's quite right, fellas?

Restaurants in Orpington with baby-talk names

• Yoebo
• Ram Ba ba
• Loog Bua

There's one green space in Orpington—the Priory Gardens. Around the corner from the genuine tudor vicarage (you can tell it's genuine, it's falling to bits) there is the Bromley Millennium Rock. This ancient, dark-grey boulder is about the size of a large dog and comes from Lockinver, north west Scotland. Over two million years old, it was "presented to the people of North Bromley by the Highland Council to commemorate the millennium year." This begs a question—what did Orpington give Lockinver in return? Crisps?

Statistics

Time to Zone 1 16mins (fastest service) on South Eastern (London Bridge). Also slower trains to Victoria.
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2333, Sun 2256
Ticket gates? Yes.

What to do if you get stuck in Orpington after the last train to Zone 1

Unfortunately, the helicopters from Biggin Hill to Battersea (journey time: 6 minutes) do not take Oyster cards. The nightbus N47 does, though, and it goes from outside the station, but if its not midnight yet and you're so desperate to get out you can't wait for it to start, you can get a 208 into Lewisham where you can figure it out. What do you think this is, the Guide to Zone 2?