Rainham
Damp stain on the pants of Old Father Thames
Arriving by train to Rainham is like arriving by train to a building site office: Rainham station is an ugly, squatting, magnolia prefabricated building stuck in the middle of the Channel Tunnel Rail Link (CTRL) building site. It's inbetween the marshlands, which lead down towards the River Thames, and the village itself.
Residents of Zone 6, #7 – Rainham
 | "do you have 2p mate i'm so sorry to ask you i'm very sorry i'll be on my way mate i'm so sorry mate BLLUUURRRRGGGH" |
Skip around the roadworks, cones, holes and concrete blocks and follow the sign confidently pointing towards the riverside. Once you get past Portakabin City 3000, it's an interesting walk, with the marshlands sprouting pylons on the left and several corrugated industrial wotsits on the right.
Things you cannot do on Rainham Marshes, according to the sign
- Park a caravan
- Dump rubbish
- Graze horses
- Destroy wild birds
Wildlife spotted on Rainham Marshes
- Tyre
- Fragments of sponge
- 14 different shapes of grey plastic bottles
One reason why so many empty buses zoom past, apart from there being nowhere to go, is that a lot of motor-maintenance works are in the industrial thingumies; London Taxis get fixed up here, too. Which explains why you can't hail a cab at 4am on the Tottenham Court Road; they've all gone back to the marshes to spawn.
The track eventually peters out at a roundabout and the A13 flyover. So much for easy access to the river. But a perfect example of a modern version Aesop's fable, about the oak tree and the reed, can be found here. Whereas the reed bends in the wind, the lamppost (rather than oak tree) gets completely bollocksed by the badly-driven car:
And yes, the wind is quite important. Wind funnels in off the Thames Estuary and blows your hat off. In fact, another striking thing about Rainham is that very little (apart from pylons) is very tall. It's so windy, anything over 10ft would just fall over. Several windfarms dot the middle distance.
Back to the village, and its general shortiness. The main junction in the village is occupied by an amusingly stumpy clock, which displays the standard incorrect village clock time of quarter-to-eleven. A tea-coloured, faded "Rainham: Conservation Area" sign is here too. The words "We don't bury people in Rainham churchyard any more, but..." were just about visible before severe eye-strain set in.
The well-meaning council has had to make it a conservation area, really. Pity there's not much here worth conserving. Attempts have been made to make it into a village with a strong local identity. The village shop, which in a typographical quick has been called "The Ship", sells plenty of Rainham memorabilia, including those syndicated local history books. These ones are called "Rainham Born & Bred" and "Barking Past". An opportunity has been missed here for a book called "Barking Born & Bred", but never mind. The shop also sells "Holy Socks -- growing faith for growing feet". Nearby is Essex Footwear, selling shoes for the feet that walk that other path.
How to tell different public buildings in Rainham apart:
Family and Social Care Unit
Library (with paper signs reading THE EOPLES TWORK)
Vicarage (ie. shed with fairy lights)
Every village must have its own pub (well, four in Rainham's case) and shop, which this time is an enormous, well-stocked 24-hour Tesco petamarket. A list of gender-specific trollies is stationed on the outside of the door, with different shapes for different sexes and configurations of family. Tescos sell a good selection of widescreen TVs and sandwiches.
Beware on your return. Rainham station has been specifically designed so you miss the London train if you're late. Firstly, the level crossing that you have to traverse to get to the London platform shuts about five minutes before a sniff of an approaching train. If you can't cross the tracks, you have to walk halfway down the eastbound platform, over a manky bridge with steep stairs,and teeter down again. And for the unwary, London trains stop at the platform section furthest away from the exit.
You miss the train at your peril. They only go every half hour, and an army of midges live in the marsh next door. They find commuters most delicious. Sad to say, the insects are the only sign of community in this desolate, windy Essex village.
Statistics
Time to Zone 1 28mins on c2c (Fenchurch Street)
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Fri 2347 Sat 2338 Sun 2212 (no trains to London on Sundays: change at Barking)
What to do if you get stuck in Rainham before the last train to Zone 1
Night buses were last seen in Rainham during the time of Edward the Confessor. So it's the marshes for you, unless you manage to get a "cab" from the "town" "square" to Barking. But no doubt, at Barking, a nice shiny bus will be waiting to carry you safe back from the riverbed and lick your insect bites better. Bless.
