Ruislip Manor
Pisspot for pissheads
Ruislip Manor is full of disguises and surprises. There's a healthclub that looks like a picture framing store, a pub that looks like a health club, and a JJ Moon's that looks like a pub. It's also rather small in scope, being one flung can of lager from Ruislip tube station, and has a pedestrian pelican crossing with an average wait of 36 hours.
Residents of Zone 6, #12 – Ruislip Manor
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Barry Manilow look-a-like, sat in traffic jam, blowing his nose, using a roadmap. |
The most telling feature of the area, sited at the biped-hating crossroads just north of the station, are the numerous bright yellow signs that advertise Ruislip Manor as a 'controlled drinking zone'. "A policeman may ask you to stop drinking," is the kind of thing it reads. "It is an offence not to give up bottles and cans when asked."
The sign is accompanied by a very spurious notice saying "RUISLIP MANOR" to nobody in particular in the middle of the pavement. This is so drunken twats can call their lawyers and tell them where they were arrested. There's also a notice to the nearest bottle bank, so drunken twats can save the planet at the same time. That is, if they don't bolt across the road and become tarmac pizza.
Sign on church
CHURCH OF
THE MOST SACRED HEART
NO UNAUTHORISED PARKING
EXITS WILL BE CLOSED
Plenty of eating establishments abound, and the better ones include a plush-looking Bangla restaurant that really should be in Brick Lane and a huge Oriental canteen that Laurence Llwellyn-Bowen wouldn't feel a ninny walking out of patting his stomach. But most of them have the usual giant-spinning dog turds in the window, although one bar-restaurant, Fox's, manages the amazing feat of blacklighting the street. Presumably this is to prevent people snorting coke from the pavement.
Did anyone mention pizza? This is Pedro's Pizza's logo, a charming chap he is:
The bats flying out of his nose just seem to make you want to eat there.
Sign on side of 'Greg Hall: Buying And Selling Antiques & Decorative Objects':
SPRATT'S
OVALS
are quite supreme
in the dog's esteem
Objects in window of 'Greg Hall: Buying And Selling Antiques & Decorative Objects':
- Stuffed seagull
- Meccano oil rig
- Silver dancing figure on plinth carrying round mirror
- Numeric wooden fruit machine/cash register (unclear)
- Blown glass clown with enormous lips
The area of Ruislip Manor itself is quiet and residental, and has a large, equally person-hostile roundabout as its centrepiece. A library bigger than the average redwood tree dominates the area, and has the obligatory noticeboard outside advertising local am-dram projects; including one for a play called 'Silly Cow' by Ben Elton, which has some poor disliked local resident's face Photoshopped onto a cow.
Also featuring on or near the roundabout is a newsagent nakedly called 'SMOKERS PARADISE' sponsored by the Daily Mail, and the Brookford Launderette. This is the launderette of utter despair, badly-lit and contained two obvious bachelors looking into the dryers and wondering what it all means and whether they should just walk into the road and have done with it all.
As for Ruislip Manor station, London Underground appear to have made no attempt to improve it since Oliver Cromwell. The metal bridge that the road dips under is repetitively graffitoed, and the station itself could most euphemistically be described as "historical public toilet saved for the nation". For some odd reason, all the stairwell banisters have been painted fluorescent green. To help people in or out?
Statistics
Time to Zone 1 40mins on Piccadilly (Earl's Court), 31mins on Metropolitan (Baker Street)
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 0009 Sun 2323
What to do if you get stuck in Ruislip Manor after the last train to Zone 1
Assuming you haven't been arrested, go against all your better instincts and take a tube train -away- from Zone 1 to Hillington. From Stop B outside the station an express bus will take you smartly to Victoria. If it's after about 1.30am and you find yourself completely tubeless, a night in the drunk tank might be the only option.
