Smitham
Entirely fictitious mud-caked builders yard
Successfully negotiate the ramps, roadworks, cones and building work, walk down the long ramp, and reach... Coulsdon? Not Smitham. Coulsdon. Nowhere within three thousand paces mentions a place called Smitham. Not the bus stops, taxi ranks, shop or road signs. Even if you consult an A-Z, there's no such area marked. This place exists only in the diseased imagination of the train company and nowhere in reality.
There may be one explanation for the disappearance of the community of Smitham; the couple of hectares of flat mud just below the station, which is being paved and redeveloped for a bypass for the busy A23 to Brighton. The foundations of several houses are visible in the dirt. Check out Smitham's skyline (below).
Immediately opposite the approach to the station is Coulsdon Waitrose, a terminally chaotic supermarket with an idiotic layout, and a "Warning: some of these products may contain nuts" sign above the cold meats counter. It does sell something called Lardy Cake, which apparently is 'delicious eaten warm', but doesn't appear to sell vitally important foodstuffs such as Cheese and Onion crisps. One side of an entire aisle is devoted to petfood.
Residents of Zone 6, #13 -- Smitham
 | Denim shirt, cornrows, about 28 mini-ponytails, three enormous bottles of Robinson's Strawberry Barley Water and a credit card that didn't work. |
Coulsdon itself is based around a busy triangle of traffic, the longest side of which has the most 'normal shops' on, and the back ends of which has things like bridalwear shops with hideously deformed dummies in, and funeral parlours. There may be a relation; who can tell?
At the very tip of this triangle is a titanic pet store. Given its warehouse size, the fact that it contains a 'grooming studio', and the amount of pet food on sale at the supermarket, you could reasonably conclude that Coulsdon residents love their pets. Perhaps they tend to prefer dogs, though: the local Cats' Protection League branch is sited inbetween "Cafe Oasis" and "Tasty Grill".
But Coulsdon seems to be asserting its identity strongly. The centre, which is in a triangular road system, contains enough shops to make it a viable shopping area, plus pleasingly few chain stores. There didn't seem to be any hooks to hang culture on, such as book or record stores.
What Coulsdon is trying not to do, is be Croydon. The only shop that mentioned Croydon, the "Croydon Travel Centre", was, um, 'being refurbished' and had several windows replaced by corkboard. The only other mentions of Croydon in the area were the bins, appropriately enough, which had the decal of "BE NICE TO CROYDON" or something or other, and the local rag's boards:
CROYDON
DEATH
DOUBLE
SHOOTING
MURDER
(subtext: stay out of Croydon!)
Coulsdon (Blank) Centre: shop names that fill the blank
- Auto Parts
- Pet
- Specialist Carp
Further up from the centre of Coulsdon, on the other side of the bridge, the A23 continues back to London. This is the only place that could remotely be considered Smitham, although nothing says it is. However, inbetween the speeding traffic and the retirement homes, you can find a dentist called Dr Jim Morrison.
A few words about the station itself are necessary. Think about the school that all of the kids poorer than you went to, and then run a train through the middle of it. In fact, it's difficult to understand why anybody would want to use this station when the much faster Coulsdon South is a short distance, erm, south, and has a car park, and actually describes the place where it is.
A notice just outside one of the platform exits entices commuters to "Stoat's Nest Village: Follow Footpath". An enchanting place, no doubt, but unfortunately the sign points directly to a cork board and, yes you guessed it, another large vacant mud pit.
After thirty minutes of trying there appeared to be no way of getting there, due to the ridiculous amounts of building work and the mendacious signage telling you to cross the bridge when the bridge hasn't been properly built yet. So, like "Smitham", this place probably is just a figment of a town planner's imagination.
Statistics
Time to Zone 1 38mins on Southern (Victoria), 31min (London Bridge)
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2302, Sun 2304 (change at East Croydon)
What to do if you get stuck in Smitham after the last train to Zone 1
Nightbus N68 just under the bridge will take you to some places that actually do exist.
