Thames Ditton
Village of the Dumbed
Thames Ditton station sits on the top of a viaduct, with long ramps up to the two platforms. It's not immediately obvious which ramp goes where, which makes running for the infrequent trains all the more entertaining. Underneath the station, there's a weird roundabout thing under a pair of arches with four roads (below). All four roads lead off into semi-detached suburb land, and all is quiet.
Too quiet by half. The place may be eerily silent, apart from the queues of rat-runners intermingling with surprisingly frequent black cabs, but spooky things seem to be happening. The local church, St. Nicholas, had balloons hanging outside for no readily available reason. The balloons were popping themselves. A cheer goes up from a football match at the nearby recreation ground - but nobody's playing football on it. What's going on? The place is full of ghosts of the people who should be living here.
Even more scarily, look at the bins. The sign "Keep Elmbridge Tidy" notices show you're not in London any more. Buses don't even take travelcards out here. No friendly LU roundels for you. And somebody's put a pathetic attempt at a bus stop on a lampost - a laminated A4 sheet of paper with the ink running down and words 'Bus Stop' on them.
This Elmbridge council, whoever the hell they are, do seem pretty active in the area though. Onr house had a "tree preservation order" banning the resident from doing anything to a mangy-looking tree without planning permission. Blame the squirrels, surely.
Thames Ditton is utter emptiness. Once you find the village itself, along Station Road, it reveals itself to be twisty and deserted. Hardly anything is open, apart from the off-licence. Even the frequent gastropubs are disappointingly empty. But there are an alarming number of crappy little media businesses. Maybe people commute to Thames Ditton rather than the other way around?
This theory might be confirmed by 'The Village Bakery' with notice saying all orders should be emailed to bakery by 11.30am for collection at lunch. The post office is open though, but it had put its ice cream board out in the middle of a pouring rainstorm, so it's quite possible it is being run by lunatics, ghosts or zombies who like icecream instead of brains.
Residents of Zone 6, #14 – Thames Ditton
 | This person's name is probably Stuart Lane; as he was working in Stuart Lane, one of the only shops open in the village. As you can tell, he is a hairdresser. His shop smells like lemongrass. |
A weird symbolic stone lightbulb thing stands in the middle of the square (below), near a large 'care for the poor' home apparently sponsored by the Bishop of Guildford. It seems to be 98% brick and 2% window; a combination good enough to be turned into expensive housing, nowadays.
A list of some businesses in Thames Ditton
- Face 2 Face
- Thin Air Productions
- Euclid Systems
- Fantasia Productions
- Tyre Shredding Ltd
As the name suggests, Thames Ditton is on the Thames. The river this far out of London has shrunk to nothing more than a widdle, but people still think that parking 2ft from a swollen river edge is a smart idea. Boat names here include, inscrutably, "Agrovacation". A green iron bridge links Thames Ditton to an island in the middle, but it's all padlocked up. Secret prison?
Selected features of Colet's health and fitness club, Thames Ditton
- Gym
- Creche
- Solaria
- Spa Bath
- Physio Therapy
- Aerobiking Centre
- 5m Indoor Poo
Can you spot which one was altered by local wags?
If you want to keep an idiot occupied with lots of exercise, tell them to go to Thames Ditton and follow the signs taped to trees saying "D & J" and a black arrow. They will be walking round in a big circle. And you will be laughing, that is, if you can find anything open to sit in.
An informative, but faded, tourist board in Thames Ditton village square mentions the village's glorious past, including the fact that Piccadilly Circus' Eros was created in a bronze foundry on the riverside. Unfortunately, nothing so productive seem to be happening in Thames Ditton nowadays; the local economy seems to be based on concentrated wankiness and hordes of Bens and Fionas. There isn't the airy bustle of somewhere like Hatch End, or even Hampton. It's just a shell.Statistics
Time to Zone 1 28mins on South West Trains (Vauxhall)
Last trains to Zone 1 Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2329 (change at Wimbledon) Sun 2241
What to do if you get stuck in Thames Ditton after the last train to Zone 1
Accept the fact that you're completely buggered. Learn from it, and move on.
