Turkey Street
A good a reason as any to vote for Christmas
London has some great, famous, noble streets; Carnaby Street, Baker Street, to name a couple, and its bad a surreally named road such as this can't really join them. Nevertheless, let's start winding our way down on Turkey Street.
1 Turkey Street: Here you can find some decrepit toilets, shut down due to vandalism in what looks like 300BC before the Vandals even invaded Rome, let alone started smashing up bogs. This is on the corner of Turkey Street, which branches off the busy Hertford Road. This area is called Enfield Wash, which sounds like an excellent idea.
Enfield Wash is fairly unremarkable, apart from the busy pound shops that sell clear blue plastic boxes (why is it always clear blue plastic boxes?), the pub called, inexplicably, "10 JOY", and the funny-shaped lampposts without any lamps on them. A poster for washing powder (again, a good idea), above all of the plastic boxes and brooms and rubbish, says "It's not mess! It's concentration."
3 Turkey Street: Builders sand, bedsprings and a kitchen sink? Is that supposed to be some kind of garden water feature?
10 Turkey Street: Painting your windowsills royal blue does not a renovation make.
13 Turkey Street: This was bound to happen at some point, but it's good that it happened now to get it over and done with. This pub is called 'The Turkey'. Its pub sign is a badly drawn turkey that looks more like a bottle of Toilet Duck. Book your Sunday roast early to avoid disappointment, incidentally.
14 Turkey Street: Painting your windowsills turquoise makes you look like a tit.
16-20 Turkey Street: If this block of grey, unhappy-looking flats were any taller, people would be jumping off it like lemmings.
39-49 Turkey Street: This is set back from the rest of the street on a path alongside the stream, Turkey Brook, that runs alongside the length of the road. There are a couple of huge houses here, set back from the route in a sort of slave plantation kind of way. A sturdy tree trunk has a swastika daubed on it, and the words "CRAZY BNP" are inscribed on a dogshit bin.
Items found in Turkey Brook:
- Panda Pops
- Umbrella
- Shopping trolley (full of leaves)
- Hacksaw
- Wheelchair
50ish Turkey Street: The station is about here. It appears to have been made out of used bicycle racks and broken bricks. Two pre-fabricated huts are here, one which seems to be some kind of ticket office, and another which is a taxi cab firm. A notice is on the door here, saying "BEWARE OF DOG".
Residents of Zone 6, #16 – Turkey Street
 | Where are your manners? Getting off the train and walking along the platform wearing your earphones, you manage at least three disgusting bodily noises in as many seconds. Parp! Spit! Snort! What else are you planning on doing, you awful child? |
55 Turkey Street: Here's the local supermarket/newsagents. It sells a huge range of alcohol, some frozen food, and two or three newspapers. It also sells so fascinating and suprisingly tasty hazelnut chocolate biscuits called Jingles (right). You might have expected some massage ads in the window, but in fact the only one here reads:
20 MONTH OLD DOG
GOOD WITH KIDS
Packaged meat sold in Turkey Street grocery:
- Ham
- Chicken
- Chopped Pork & Ham
- Honey Roast Ham
- Salami
Surprisingly, the grocery does not sell turkey.
65 Turkey Street:
75ish Turkey Street: A sign saying, 'Keep going! Don't turn back! The station is just around the corner! Put that hari-kiri blade away, now.'
80 Turkey Street: Put glass in my windows? Not me! I'll use newspaper instead!
85ish Turkey Street: Turkey Brook flows (well, maybe not exactly 'flows') under the road here, and there's a humpback bridge with a historic brass sign on the side: "County of Middlesex: Take notice that this bridge, which is a county bridge, is insufficient to carry weights beyond the ordinary traffic of the district and that the users or persons in charge of locomotive traction engines are warned against using this bridge for the passage of any such engines."
96 Turkey Street: Here are some damp pages from the Sun. The dampness might be explained by the empty can of Special Brew on top.
103 Turkey Street: Enfield Christian Centre, a large stable with bright blue doors.
110ish Turkey Street: Here Turkey Street appears to end, but in fact it continues on the other side of the busy Great Cambridge Road. Crossing under the dual carriageway is easy if you go through a subway that seems to have been painted under the influence of strong coffee. If you squint at the tiles on each side, they appear to say things like "BE HAPPY" and "DANCE". Incidentally, the numbering of the houses on Turkey Street is mildly retarded. The even side ends about 110, the odds about 161. Just to be difficult.
132 Turkey Street: This house, one of a long row set back from the road by a 500ft-tall leylandii, is called 'Chateau Turkey', with no apparent irony.
148-50 Turkey Street: Here be St Ignatius college, which may either be a Catholic school or a power station, it's difficult to decide.
162 Turkey Street: By the name, 'Rosebud' sounds like a verdant farmhouse, but it's actually just some UPVC triangles which may be being used as sheltered accomodation and no obvious exit or entry.
181 Turkey Street: And here's where Turkey Street appears to end, at a muddy bridge and a "ROAD CLOSED" sign. According to the map it continues, but the sign is pretty emphatic you can't go down it. There's another brook here, a faster flowing one, which seems to be running parallel to the Great Cambridge Road. Ducks are swimming like hell out of here. The ducks have the right idea.
Statistics
Last train to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2318, Sun 2320
Time to Zone 1 31 mins on One (Liverpool Street)
What to do if you get stuck in Turkey Street after the last train to Zone 1
If you just missed the final train, you could try walking back to Enfield Wash and trying to get back from Enfield Lock station, which is about twenty minutes' walk. Alternatively the N279 will take you home from Hertford Road.
