Upminster

Mondeo Man's fantasies fulfilled

Map | Website

So this is where it ends for every District line train; a big metal cage. Upminster station doesn't look like a tube station; it's very small, there are no nice reassuring tube circles on the platform and it's made of scaffolding -- as in, the builders put the scaffolding up to build the station and then decided they could just get away with leaving it in.

The station foyer is a small, blue room perched over the tracks with some absolutely ancient departure screens; in fact, they could even have been coal-fired. But as is quite often the case, the station is quite a bit different to the area it serves.

Notice in window of Upminster newsagents

Upminster is the embarrassed middle-aged relative of Romford's scrawny drunken teenager. While Romford's lying smashed face-down in the gutter clutching a bottle of WKD, Upminister is tutting disapprovingly. Upminster is also the middle-aged relative obsessed with collecting antiques. You must understand, there are loads of antique shops in Upminster. Fucking loads of them.

It wouldn't be so bad if there was a few of some good quality. But the shopping street that Upminister station opens out onto is riddled like ezcema with itchy little antique shops, the ones that sell 25 minature chairs for 50p and funny green lampshades, as well as those interminable china animal figurines. It does make you thankful for the slightly-lesser-number-but-still-comparatively-enormous-amount-of picture framing shops, of which there are about 54, as at least they're not trying to sell you dusty old clocks.

Residents of Zone 6, #25 – Upminster

Father and son are watching television together, motionless. The television is in the window of Bang & Olafson and they are standing on the pavement. Five minutes later, they haven't moved.

There are at least three or four shops in Upminster that don't sell pointless things for old people to gawp at. As well as the Bang & Olafson electrial store, which is quite busy inside as well as out, there's a large local computer shop that sells both games and hardware. One sign outside says, "We will not serve any person whose behaviour is less than professional." Another sign says, "No swearing." That rules out most people who works in IT, then.

Items for sale in Upminster joke shop

• Red beards
• Red wigs
• "Crap-a-lot" sugar
• Arrow through head
• "The surprising Arm!! Looks so real ......... It's incredible."

By all accounts, Upminster is a thriving, well-to-do neighbourhood. At the end of the shopping street, next to an extremely rude-looking tree (right), there's a man in a suede hat and green scarf passing out religious pamphlets. And the only sign of crime is a cheeky traffic cone on the top of the police station; clearly this is something to do with there not being very many (or by the looks of things, any) pubs.

Away from the main streets then, and into the residential area. This is where the source of Upminster's power lies. There are big, proud, detached houses, only one of which has been unfortunately been painted lemon yellow. SUVs and Golfs – and even the odd black cab – cruise past effortlessly. This is an upwardly mobile area, albeit characterised by slightly tacky taste in retail. The people have arrived, and want to spend their money on antiques and hot tubs. And who can stop them?

People who are gay or wankers according to graffiti on an Upminster alley

• Insult
• The Levellers
• Grungers
• Ben the Rabbit

Where do the high achievers of Upminster do for recreation, then? There are two things, coincidentally next door to one another. The Hornchurch And District Historial Society run a big agricultural museum about half a mile north of Upminster station, situated in a jet-black thatched barn (down). Which would be quite interesting, except it's only open 14 days a year. Today is not one of them, unfortunately.

On the other 350 days a year, the golf club next door gets business. Men with beards in vintage cars glide down the drive, and type the secret beardy-vintage-car code into the numeric pad, allowing the Ramp of Beardy Vintage Car Truth to lower and let them into the inner sanctum of the enormous car park. As well as a golf club and probably the only place in Upminster you can get a drink, there's Steve Cipa's professional golfing shop; perhaps the only golfer to be named after an accountancy qualification.

Upminster has one more secret to reveal. Buried deep in the smart residential area is the District line depot, guarded by spotlights, tall metal fences and very possibly Cerberus. What awful experiments are done on District line trains behind those stone walls will probably remain forever classified, but they probably don't involve very many performance-enhancing drugs. In fact, one likely reason for the proliferation of antique shops in Upminster is that they can be very good places for London Underground to buy spare parts. Something to ponder on the 3/4hr journey back to central London.

Statistics

Last train to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2350, Sun 2320
Time to Zone 1 25mins on One (Liverpool Street), 44mins on District (Aldgate East)

What to do if you get stuck in Upminster after the last train to Zone 1

Most likely, three other people were also daft enough to fall asleep on the District line, and are currently wandering round Upminster wishing the antique shops were open. Find them, band together and get a cab back to the city. There's not much of another way unless you're up for a very long walk.