Uxbridge

Vaguely cultureless concrete semi-jungle

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Take Westminister Cathedral. Cover it with concrete, replace the hanging lights with earrings from Littlewoods, rip out the stained glass windows and put in frosted toilet glass (cleaning optional). Then turn the air-conditioning so far down that any passing polar bears might think, "Blimey, it's a bit chilly in here." This leaves you with Uxbridge station. You can put some tube trains in too, but that's not strictly necessary.

Residents of Zone 6, #1 – Uxbridge

"He's in here every bloody day, like he thinks we're his friends," say the staff in Woolworths.

Providing you make it out of the station without your eyes freezing and your nose turning black and falling off, you will find Uxbridge station to be at the centre of a huge shopping and commercial centre. There are two exits to the station. One leads to the main bus station, but the main one is the town square. Just before the exit, you are confronted with the following choice:

← THE CHIMES SHOPPING CENTRE

THE PAVILIONS → SHOPPING CENTRE

It's understandable how confusing this choice can be for anybody unfamiliar with Uxbridge. But for the worried consumer, here follows a comparison.

The Pavilions vs. The Chimes

The Pavilions

Snap demographic: 75% white

Christmas lights look like radioactive space crisps. (+8)
Lots of discount stores, eg. Savers, Bookworld, Poundland. (-5)
Argos prominently displays a "Do not assault our staff" notice on the front door. (-2)
Has a Tchibo. (+3)
Calls itself a "Shopping Centre". (-3)

TOTAL SCORE 1/20

The Chimes

Snap demographic: 60% white

Christmas lights look like the pods in Alien. (+6)
Keeps promising a Debenhams. But you have to walk all the way to the back of the centre to get to it, by which time you are out of sight of the exit. (-3)
Odeon cinema (+5)
Convenient Disney store next door to cinema for screaming toddler pacification (-5)
Has a Starbucks. (+1)
Calls itself a "Mall". (-3)

TOTAL SCORE 1/20

Indeed, Uxbridge rightfully boasts about its shopping credentials. The canopy of Christian's furniture store reads: "London New York Paris Uxbridge". Hilarious, yes, but also revealing that Uxbridge doesn't seem to consider itself part of London. A quick vox pop suggested that residents either thought themselves to be living in "Buckinghamshire", "North Berkshire" or "Fuck off".

The town square is charming – the main entrance of the tube station faces onto a weird building on pillars with prefabricated buildings underneath. The effect is enhanced by the entrance of a shopping centre, as indicated in the picture.

To say that the very soul of the town is occupied by big shopping centres isn't fair. There are small shopping centres, too. If you walk over the square and past the church, you will encounter a stamps shop that mainly sells model cars, a Christian bookstore with a fish flag displayed in the first floor window at ninety-degrees, so that it looks like a large phallus, and at least two pubs full of old men. The end of the road is a large roundabout and a Kwik-Fit.

Things that rhyme with Uxbridge

• Duck's fridge
• And that's it

Statistics

Time to Zone 1 45min on Piccadilly (Earl's Court), 40min on Metropolitan (Baker Street)
Last trains to Zone 1 Mon-Sat 2359, Sun 2314

What to do if you are stuck in Uxbridge after the last train to Zone 1

There may still be trains that are going to Hillingdon. Grab one, and then follow the directions for being stuck in Hillingdon. If there are none, go next door to Uxbridge bus station. The N207 will take you on an unforgettable, epic journey through most of West London back to Shepherd's Bush and then along the route of the Central Line. Or it may not. You may have to wait several hours for one to decide to make that journey. Hope you like bus stations.